It is around 1am Friday morning as I write. Sleep will not come so I got up to prepare an activity for my Sunday school class. Once that was done I read a little bit of news online and some blogs. Then it hit me how long it has been since I have blogged. I read back through all the blogs from when Daddy was in the hospital--all I can say is wow. God has given us a miracle and I already, just a month and a half later, have forgotten. Why? Because life keeps going and we live in such a busy hurry up world that I don't take the time to reflect and remember each day what the Lord has done for me. I guess that is why God wouldn't let me sleep so I could have this realization.
Several weeks ago a guest preacher spoke at church. He talked about cracked pots. We are the cracked pots and can only be made whole through Jesus Christ. He also talked about how we try to cover our cracks from others. Well, I am cracked and have been for some time covering up my cracks not just from you, but from myself.
I have not been doing so well. Actually, now I am doing so much better, but since the last time I blogged about myself so much has happened. Lets go back. . .after Jamie died I was a mess, but felt like I was doing alright. By the end of summer I thought things were great. I had taught VBS, thrown the boys' birthday party, was teaching Sunday school, and had plans to volunteer at preschool and CAM once the school year began. Household chores were going smoothly: laundry twice a week, house cleaning every other week, washing the van and yard work every other week, meals planned and made. I thought I had it all under control because I was able to do so many "normal" activities. Then in Sept. I turned 30 and had a small party at home. It was a great party, but I didn't enjoy the time with friends like usual. After talking to Josh and a friend we all agreed I was depressed. I did not think I needed to get any help because I was doing things as normal not laying in bed all day. I may have not wanted to do anything, but I was fighting against this depression thus I was ok. O how wrong I was. After Thanksgiving things got really bad! I knew I needed to get help, but did not know where to turn. I told Josh such and he suggested I email one of our ministers at church. I did and was given the info for a couple of counseling centers. I had just began to read through the center's websites and counselor bios when Daddy was rushed to the hospital. So, I put myself on the back burn and was strong for everyone else, because that is what I do best. Daddy's first full day at home was the day of my first counseling session. It was amazing!!! It is hard to put into words, but I felt such relief and that I was actually beginning to allow myself to grieve. I have learned so much from my counseling sessions, but what I want to share now is depression can look many different ways. I thought I was just a little depressed because I was not in bed all day, however when given a depression questionnaire/test I was one point from server depression. If you think you maybe depressed don't wait months like I did get help now!
It feels good to be honest with myself and you. I know some of you couldn't even tell things were bad. That's ok I was putting on a good front for you and myself. Some of you knew something was wrong and now feel like you should have said something--no worries it's in the past just remember to learn from the past.
Ok it is now 2am I must try and sleep. The boys are having their first ever sleepover tonight, which means I need some sleep. I haven't even told them yet it will be a fun surprise. Jodi and Logan are our guest we will be making homemade pizza and brownies. I'm looking forward to a fun evening. Happy Friday To All:)