Swim suits

I did a little swim suit shopping earlier today--uh:( This summer I was suppose to wear my maternity swim suit, which is cute and covers all of me. Since, I won't be wearing that one I figured I should just get it over with and shop for a new suit. Have you looked at the suits lately? They don't cover much. At two different stores I picked up one of each whole piece and went to the dressing room. Each of these suits either covered my bottom half well or my top, but not both. I decided on a dress instead of a swim suit:) As I drove home I had a thought. We pull God around with us in our busy lifes wanting Him to cover everything. Just like I pulled on the swim suits to cover everything. The swim suit didn't work and it doesn't seem to be working with God either. He doesn't want us to pull Him. He wants to lead us. Only then can everything in one's life be covered with His presence and peace.

Obedience

Yesterday morning the boys were fighting over the toothpaste tube so I sent them each to there rooms. Meanwhile I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes and Jackson comes screaming and crying about needing a toy that was in the living room. I told him to obey and go back to his room. He continued to cry and scream for his toy. I said if you will just obey you will get what you want after. As Jackson went back to his room I realized that is just what God is telling all of us. We ask and ask for something (peace, wisdom, patience, ect.) but are not obeying thus not receiving. We ask for peace, but are not willing to give all are cares over to Him. We ask for wisdom, but do not read His Word. I guess everyone in our house needs to work on listening and obeying.

This blog was set up to keep family and friends easily updated on Jamie's condition, but now we know her condition will not change. She will forever be with Jesus. However, I do plan to continue to blog about the things God is teaching me. I'm not sure how often this will be--just keeping checking back.

Worship

We went to church this morning. It is a strange feeling to not be sure if you can do your everyday activities. When Josh and I talked last night about going to church we both felt the same way. We wanted to go, but then we don't at the same time. We basically decided to go this morning because we have nothing else to do. And of course we were late and we sit in the front so everyone saw us walk in, but we were actually earlier than usual.

Can you worship God when you don't understand Him? Can you worship when you are mad? Can you worship when you just don't feel like being thankful for what He has done? Yes, I think you can. Amy Grant has a new song titled "Better Than Hallelujah" and it talks about that sometimes just being honest with God is a sweeter song to Him than hallelujah. Now I have only heard the song once so if I got the message wrong sorry.

Today's sermon was about giving up your life so that you may have a new life in Christ. Ed talked about choices and choosing to be sold out for Christ or not. When one chooses to give his life over to Christ he is changed and God's love is spread. I know that God is using our family to impact His kingdom and spread His love, but I didn't choose this. It is sad to say, but I would choose to have Jamie here with me today instead of some one's life being changed because of her death. God could have healed Jamie and lives could have been changed through her healing. I don't understand why God took her so soon. So, am I living a sold out life for Christ? I don't know. By choosing to accept God's plan over your own plan is a start thus I pray for my family that we can daily accept God's plan.

On another note, yesterday we received a card in the mail from a lady in Seattle Washington. She and her church family are praying for us. That is just so amazing that someone I don't know cares and is praying. I know there are people across American and even the world that are praying for us, but they know us. To have someone take the time to send a card and pray that doesn't know us is such a comfort. Even if I didn't choose this God is using Jamie's short life to touch many and I know one day I will be able to find joy in His plan.

Anger

Emotions are confessing. I thought I was just not feeling anything at all, but I have realized with the help of others (I have shared with several people) I am mad and angry. I'm not mad at God. I have accepted that Jamie was not meant to live a long life on this earth. I don't like it, but I know that God's plans are better than mine. I am mad that I had to go through the physical changes of pregnancy. I don't really enjoy being pregnant. With all my pregnancies I felt sick, tired and fat. I know some of y'all are thinking "you look so cute with your little belly bump." Well thanks, but I didn't feel cute at all. And just ask Josh I'm not so nice either. I'm mad that I had to have a c-section and am going through all the recovery involved. I sure do love being a mom though, it is just hard to go through all the pains and discomforts and not have a baby to hold. I'm mad that my plans didn't work out. Y'all know I am a planner and like things just a certain way and well this is not what I had planned. I am mad that the boys don't have a little sister to play with. Jeffrey was saving all his little kiss. He said weeks ago, "baby little give little kisses." And Jackson would have been such the protector. Ok, I got that out and feel a bit better.

On another note while talking with a friend today I remembered something the genetic counselor told me when we first found out about Jamie's condition. "When things like this happen people don't know what to say or do and you will find out who your true friends are." You are all true friends. Everyone has been honest with me and so supportive. I couldn't ask to be a part of a better family or community of friends. Josh and I were talking the other night and both agreed that we would not be doing as well as we are if we were not here close to family and friends. In Acts chapter 17 it says God has determined the times and places you should live. God knew exactly what He was preparing us for when He moved us to the Houston area nearly five years ago. Thank you all for your true friendship.

Amazed

Thank y'all so much for all the care and support. I am just so amazed by every one's efforts to comfort and provide for our needs. The food, flowers, cards, emails and visits have been great. Thanks to my family for coming and staying here at the house it has been a big help. However, it will be nice for us to be alone as an immediate family next week. I told the boys this morning that Grandma was leaving on Friday. Jackson asked "is Aunt Liz coming back?" I told them no we are ready to try this on our own, but could ask for help if it was to much. Jeffrey then said, "we call Grammie." The boys are going to miss all the extra attention. Thanks again for all you have done and are continuing to do.

Little voices

Earlier this evening Jackson, Jeffrey and I were in Jackson's room together. Jackson randomly says, "there's no baby in your tummy." Which was a perfect opening to talk about the funeral tomorrow. I explained what a funeral was and what would happen tomorrow. I told the boys that they would get to see the coffin and then go play while the mommies and daddies listened to Pastor Ed talk. Jackson said, "good I don't want to hear him talk." I had to laugh:) We moved on to other things and a few minutes later Josh comes back and I told him that we had talked about the funeral. Jeffrey then said with a big smile and excited voice, "baby Jamie live Jesus." Jeffrey has been the biggest comfort to me and others these past ten days. He is happy, cute and full of life and I believe truly knows how wonderful it is that Jamie is with Jesus.

"Normal" Day

For a few hours today I almost felt "normal." My sister, a friend and I went and saw a movie. I don't think I have ever seen a movie on a Monday morning. I felt like getting out of the house, but don't want to talk with a lot of people or walk to much so a movie was the perfect thing. We saw Letters to Juliet--great movie to see with your girlfriends.

What is normal? Is there really a normal? Normal has changed for me and I must get used to a new so called normal. Part of this new normal has already began in that I have to wait. On my 18 week visit we found out something was wrong with Jamie and then we had to wait for test results. Then we waited in between appointments to see if there had been any change in Jamie's condition. When I delivered we waited for me to come home. Once at home we waited to make funeral arrangements. Those have been made and now we wait for the actual service tomorrow. I think the hardest and longest wait will be after all the services are done, because we have to wait to be reunited with Jamie in heaven.

So for now I wait and take lots of deep breaths.

"For those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 41:31

Flowers

I know many of you have sent flowers or are planning to do so and they are lovely. However, we are asking that instead of flowers that you donate money to our church Jersey Village Baptist. The details of what the money will be used for has not be worked out yet. If you have questions please email me directly instead of commenting on the blog.

Funeral services

Funeral services for Jamie will be held at Jersey Village Baptist Church Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 11am. The service will be in the chapel (old worship center). All family and friends are welcome.


Jamie will be buried in Oakland cemetery in Navasota on Wed. May 19, 2010. This will be a private family event.

Jamie's Birth Day

We arrived at Women's hospital about 1pm on Friday, May 7, 2010. Josh and I went up to labor and delivery on the 4th floor walked to the nurses station and checked in. Our nurses Jackie and Stephanie were waiting for us with everything ready. I got changed into the lovely hospital gown got into the bed and began the process. My temp. was taken and blood pressure and the long list of questions began. Jackie and Stephanie were wonderful--hand picked just for us. Momma and Daddy and Grandma and Liz arrived within the next two hours. At three o'clock I was wheeled down to the OR. Josh waited in a special area while I was prepped. They brought Josh in and at 3:11pm Dr. Schroeder delivered Jamie. She was then placed in a warmer for a few minutes and then I got to hold my little girl. I was shocked and unprepared for how she would look. She is 11inches long, 2lbs. 3.3oz. I knew she would be little, but I didn't realize how undeveloped she would be. I pointed to her little face and asked Jackie, "is that her nose?" She is beautiful and perfect. At some point they took Jamie and finished up on me. I then was taken back to my room for recovery. There is a two visitor limit in labor and delivery, but they let everyone come in and brought in sandwiches, chips, cookies and bottled water for my family. We were able to stay in recovery for as long as we wanted. In the room next door Jackie and Stephanie dressed Jamie in a little white dress (made by a group specially for babies like Jamie) and a yellow cap. They did her feet prints and took pictures with a special blanket I brought with us. They then brought Jamie to me again. I held her and they took more pictures of Josh, Jamie and I. My Grandma also hold and had her picture taken with Jamie. And then that was enough I could no longer hold her, because she wasn't there she is in heaven. I thought I would want to hold her forever, but it was just to hard and painful and I couldn't really look at her--it was very sad. Sometime later Jackie and Stephanie took me to my room on the 2nd floor. They stayed with me while my new nurse took my blood pressure and temp and go everything hooked up in the room. It was very sad for me when Jackie and Stephanie left because they were my connection to Jamie. They were the ones that got to "mother" her. That night Josh and I had a restless night of very little sleep. Someone was in my room every hour doing something.

The arms of Jesus

Jamie is now being held in the arms of Jesus. Yesterday, I felt some changes in my body and called the nurse. Josh and I went into see Dr. Adams this morning. Jamie's heart had stop. I will have a c-section this afternoon at 3pm.

God is near.

"Am I a God near at hand, " says the Lord, and not a God afar off?" Jeremiah 23:23


God is near. God is in control. God is my Healer. Nothing is impossible for God. God is my comfort. God is my provider. God is love.


I will repeat these statements over and over in my head today. Do you believe these statements?

Why is life so hard?

I have been asking myself today why is life so hard and filled with struggles? Whenever I have asked Josh "why is it so hard?" It being small daily struggles to big life struggles. He always says because it makes it worthwhile. We can not appreciate the joys of life without knowing the pains of life. It is the same in our Christian walk as well. We must go through the painful trails of life to one day be able to share in Christ's glory in heaven. We must carry the cross.

Lessons

Through all of this I am trying to look for the lessons God is teaching me. Here are a few.

First lesson is from yesterday's sermon. The text was Luke 5: 33-39. Honestly, I can't tell you what was actually preached, because I could not think past a few verse that were read.

"And He said to them, 'Can you make the friends of the bridegroom fast while the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, then they will fast in those days.'" Luke 5;34-35

Jesus was saying that His friends were enjoying Him and His teachings, but at a later time fasting would come along with mourning because of His death on the cross. This applies to me in that I must enjoy the time I have with Jamie no matter how short or long. No sadness now that time will come and hopefully many many years from now.

Second lesson is from John 3:1-18. This story is about a Pharisee named Nicodemus who came to Jesus in secret because he wanted to learn more. Nicodemus came to Jesus in secret because he was fearful of what the other Pharisees and members of the Jewish Sanhedrin would say and think of him. Nicodemus knew God's word and His law, but could not grasp the ideal of being born again spiritually. Jesus said all you have to do is believe in Me and you will have everlasting life. I think it was to simple for Nicodemus. He was used to following the many Jewish laws and traditions. I think he wanted a check list. I have no problem with accepting God's grace and salvation through His son Jesus Christ, but I do struggle with not having control or a check list of things to do in our current situation. There is nothing I can do. No amount of exercise, eating healthier, resting more or taking a pill is going to change what is happening within my womb with Jamie's little body. God is simply asking me to let go and have faith that He is in control. It's to easy--I want to work hard and actively make things better.

Third--"But to you who fear My name the Son of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings." Malachi 4:2 This verse is taking from a passage talking about the coming of the Messiah. This gives me hope that Jesus can heal. I just pray that the healing of Jamie is for this life not heaven.

My next appointment is not till May 12th so all y'all will be getting is my thoughts for a few days. I hope they are making a impact on some one's life. If you have questions about any of the verse I have talked about please leave a comment and I will try my best to answer them correctly.

Please pray for a coworker of my Mom's. His wife is in the hospital. Her immune system crashed and she needs to have thyroid surgery, but can't with no immune system. They will be doing a bone marrow biopsy is a few days. They have three small children. Pray for wisdom for the doctors and healing for her. Pray for the kiddos and their care.

Peace, fear, comfort, uncertainty

I have so many emotions running through me today. I have peace yet don't understand how when life is so uncertain for Jamie right now. Is it truly peace I have or am I just in denial of the whole situation? I was reading another lady's blog (about 2 yrs. ago she was given a bad Dx for her child) and it was a comfort to read her say almost the same thing. She said it must be peace that passes all understanding, because it just doesn't make any sense. I know God can give me peace, but I have never had to deal with such a trail as this so I don't know if God has given me this incredible peace or if I am just not facing the issues at hand? Just yesterday I told a friend that I know everything is going to be fine. At that moment I meant Jamie would be ok and we would bring a sweet little sister home to the boys and life will be good. However, over the past 24 hours I have realized that it may not be in God's plan for us to bring Jamie home and it still will be fine and life will be good, because God is God!

I can not pray today because I can not pray for God's will. I don't want God's plan I want my plans. I believe God can give us our miracle, but I just don't know if it is in His plans. So I ask you to pray for me today and that God's will and heart will become my heart.

On a different note. We had a great time at the YAM Sunday school class picnic today. The picture below is of all the kiddos.