Yesterday I took the boys to have photos made. Jackson was not happy about going. He made it clear that he was not wearing what I wanted him to wear and he would go, but would not take a picture. Thus we made a deal. If he wore the clothes I choose and was well behaved while taking pictures there would be a surprise afterwards. Jackson said, "O, I will do it for a surprise." That situation yesterday made me think do I make deals with God? We want our children to do what we say without any questions or surprises afterwards, but we or at least I don't live up to that standard. God ask us to worship with a body of believers. We say I will if I get something out of it or if the people are just like me. God ask us to give of our time and money. We say OK if there is any leftover. God ask us to read His Word. We say sure if I finish this novel first. God ask us to put Him first in our lives. We say no problem if you will bless me with what I want. God asks us to praise Him. We do if we also get some praise as well.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
One verse from my Bible study lesson earlier today has really stuck in my mind. "The son of Carmi was Achar, the troubler of Israel, who transgressed in the accursed thing." 1 Chronicles 2:7. In this chapter of Chronicles the family tree of Israel begins it most reads like this "the sons of Judah were. . . the descendants of Caleb were. . ." Every now and then there is a short statement about someone. Wow, I would not want to be remember as the trouble maker, but what my mind keeps asking is what would it say about Jamie. Would it just read the descendants of Josh were Jackson, Jeffrey, and Jamie born to him by Suzanne or has she impacted some one's life so much that a statement would be written. I don't know what it would say, but I just hope that her short life is not forgotten and impacts many.
I am not doing well. . . . . .actually I feel pretty good right now, because a neighbor called and we haven't talked in sometime and it is always nice to catch up with a friend. But these last few weeks have been very hard emotionally for me. I think I am maybe a little depressed. No need to worry though. I am not laying in bed all day refusing to do anything. I just don't enjoy much. I am still doing all the things I need and should do and the things that I enjoy (working out, scrap booking, reading and such). There is just a heaviness and a cloud hanging over me. So, pray for me and Josh and the boys. I don't like missing out on the fun.
These are the verses I choose to cling to and believe during this time. "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7"
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Well, I know it has been several weeks since my last post so I will catch y'all up on what has been going on. It was nice hearing from some that you missed reading my blog. I don't know how many actually still read (I'm sure there is a way to count how many visit the blog, but I don't know how to do that) so it was nice to hear that many are reading.
Aug. 26, 2010 was Jamie's due date. The actually day was not bad. I was busy with meet the teacher and getting the boys are set for preschool. The days before and after were harder on me. With Jeffrey starting preschool this year I have meet new moms that don't know about Jamie and their simple questions of how many kids do you have? or are y'all planning on more? have been a little to much for me. And this one older lady at HEB just would not stop talking to me and all she wanted to talk about was kids, babies and such.
I have been in a bad mood for several weeks. That is one reason why I haven't posted--I just can't write well when I am moody. I'm not sure why I have been in this mood--it is a combination of things most likely. My hormones are still off that's for sure. After each of the boys and now Jamie I have lost A LOT of hair. Normally my hair is all over the house, but it more like piles now. That maybe to much information for some-sorry, but if you have ever been in my house you know I like to keep it clean. So when my hair stop falling out as much I will know my hormones are back on track.
I began scrapbook pages for Jamie last week. That was emotionally draining. It is going to take me a while to get it done because I want it to be perfect and I want to be alone while I work. I don't have a lot of photos, but at least I have something. I have a scrapbook of all my pregnancies so I will add photos of me carrying Jamie, sonogram photos and will journal about telling our family we were expecting and some of the story from March to May. The funeral home gave us a nice book you signed if you came to the funeral. I am adding the words to songs sang at the funeral, photos taken at the funeral and photos of Jamie at the hospital. When I looked at these photos of Jamie last week I felt joy in seeing my beautiful little girl. When I looked at the photos times before it was hard and all I could see was that she wasn't what she was suppose to be, but now I know she was exactly the way God created her to be--perfect.
Ok, on to something else. I just read Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It is wonderful. I read it in two settings and stayed up way to late last night to finish. It is about a homeless man and an art dealer and his wife and how their lives cross and people are changed. I told Josh he should read it and he wasn't so sure since he heard be crying as I read. I said, but it isn't sappy movie sad, but real life sad. Which he said is worst. It is sad, horrible, touching and amazing all at the same time. Get it and read it you will love it!
I am teaching 3rd and 4th grade Sunday school and this month we are studying four names of God. Last week was Yahweh, which means I AM. Our basic lesson was God is unique and there is none like Him. And God is, has always been and always will be. The kids were very unfocused last week and just wanted to play hangman, but the lesson spoke to me. No matter what God is God. It makes no difference if it is sunny or rainy, if I am happy or sad or if Jeffrey peed in his pants again--God is God. This coming Sunday we are studying the name El Shaddai. We will look at God's power and how He using it to protect His people. This makes me think of stories of things that happened to those in Same Kind of Different As Me God could have protected these men from pain and sorrow, but He didn't. God could have protected me and my family from the pain of losing Jamie, but He didn't. Why? Because we can't see the end of the road only God can. His perfect plan is being accomplished through our joys and sorrows and one day in heaven we will be in God's glory, because we shared in the joys and sorrows.