Friday, December 31, 2010

Aggie Basketball

New Year's Eve is a day for most to reflect on the past year and to look ahead to what the new year will bring.  Honestly, I don't want to think about what we have dealt with this past year and am fearful of what is to come.  When Jamie died my grandma told me that God had something wonderful for us in the future.  I sure am ready for it.  Are you making any new year resolutions?  I am making just one--to be present.  So often I miss out because I am thinking about the past or future instead of living in the present. 

Elizabeth spent the day with Daddy.  He slept a lot, but their did have some good conversation.  Elizabeth said he seemed more like himself than last week when she visited.  Elizabeth spoke with a doctor and he said Daddy's pressure was in the low 40s yesterday when they did the lumbar puncture (<20 is what we want).  Daddy had his 4th lumbar puncture today.  There has been some confusion about whether Daddy had meningitis or not.  The doctor Elizabeth spoke with said that the infection disease doctor has not diagnosed Daddy with meningitis, but all the numbers point to him having it.  Daddy is on very strong antibiotics and will continue them for seven days.  Since, none of Daddy's lumbar puncture results have been below 20% Elizabeth asked if that meant a shunt was to be placed.  The doctor said it was likely, but Dr. Day would make that decision and he is off for the holiday weekend. 

This afternoon we took the boys to there first Aggie men's basketball game.  Jackson refused to wear maroon, which is just like him.  We had a really good time.  I think the boys liked the big bucket of popcorn more than the game.  With about 7 minutes left in the game and the score very close Jackson says, "I need to potty."  So, me and the boys head to the bathroom, but luckily nothing to excited happened while we were gone.  I haven't been to college station in about 4 years and it has been longer since I was on campus--wow it has changed.  We went by the quad and showed the boys were Josh lived while in the Corp.  After the game we went to Wings N More for dinner--it is still the best place to get wings.  It was nice to be out as a family today.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New room

Daddy was moved to the intermediate ICU on the 5th floor last night.  Mom said he was so happy and in a great mood.  Daddy said he hated it up in the other room and didn't like the nurses.  Mom told him they were so of the best nurse he has ever had and they were only trying to help him get better.  Daddy said he still didn't like them.

Grandaddy (Daddy's father) and Diane (sister) came to visit this morning.  They were able to take Daddy outside in a wheelchair and got him a coke in the cafe.  They also has some fun.  Daddy laid flat on his back in bed well Granddaddy drop grapes into his mouth and Diane took pictures (if I can get the pic I will post them).  I sure am glad Daddy was able to play with his sister today. 

This afternoon a pick was placed in Daddy.  It is an IV that goes straight into an artery.  Daddy needs this because the medicine he is being given for the meningitis is so strong it would eat away his veins if given through a regular IV.  Another lumbar puncture was done today as well.  Mom thinks they will be doing one daily for a while.  A new doctor came by today to review all the medication Daddy is on in preparation for surgery.  So we are concluding from this that Daddy will be having a shunt place in his head to drain the CSF, however Mom has not be told that from Daddy's doctor.

Please keep praying.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


This morning started with Daddy getting out of bed two times and trying to get water.  His nurse found him at the sink about to drink straight from the tap.  He is not supposed to drink water, because his sodium level is so low.  He can have all the powerade, coke and juice he wants, but no water.  When I called and talked to him this morning he in a low voice asked me to sneak in a water bottle.  He makes the nurse laugh:)

Mom talked with the doctor that performed the lumbar puncture yesterday and she said that Daddy's pressure was a little high, but that could be because he was is so pain right before the test.  She also told mom that Daddy now has meningitis. 
     "Meningitis is a potentially life-threatening infection of the meninges—the tough layer of tissue that surrounds the brain and the spinal cord. If not treated, meningitis can lead to brain swelling and cause further disability, including coma and even death.  Meningitis can be caused by a variety of things, including bacteria (the most serious), viruses, fungi, reactions to medications, and environmental toxins such as heavy metals. Although bacterial and fungal meningitis require extended hospitalization, meningitis caused by viruses can often be treated at home and has a much better outcome." (

When one has a lumbar puncture there is a risk of getting meningitis.  The odd thing to me is that a lumbar puncture  is what is performed to also find out what type of meningitis one has.
     "A spinal tap, or lumbar puncture, is necessary to diagnose meningitis. The results of the spinal tap are essential to help the doctor determine first the presence of meningitis and then the type of meningitis. Correctly diagnosing meningitis is absolutely essential to guide treatment. If you are too sick for a spinal tap, you will be treated with antibiotics on the assumption that you have meningitis. The spinal tap will be done when your condition improves. Cerebrospinal fluid is obtained through a spinal tap. This fluid surrounds and cushions the brain and the spinal cord. The fluid is checked in the lab for things like white and red blood cells and protein and glucose (sugar) levels. The doctor then interprets the test results to determine if meningitis is present. The test results can also indicate if the meningitis is due to a bacterial infection or a virus. " (

So, add this to your prayers for Daddy.  I feel like Daddy and our family just can't get a break.  I am thankful for the miracle that Daddy is still with us and overall doing well, but it is hard to not get down and I'm not even the one that has been in ICU for 16 days now.  Daddy should be moved to immediate ICU soon--hopefully this evening or tomorrow morning. 

The doctor is currently or it may be done by now doing another lumbar puncture on Daddy.  I just assume we will not get results till the morning. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Daddy's nurse was able to pull up his lumbar results on the computer and his pressure was around 24%.  The doctors usually want it to be 20% or lower.  Mom was not able to speak to the doctor today hopefully he will come by tomorrow and they will talk about putting in a permanent shunt.  This is still undecided.  I don't know much about the shunt, but basically it would drain fluid from the brain into the stomach.

On KSBJ (I love KSBJ check it out @ today I listened to a song about a husband/father asking God to lead him to be strong for his wife and kids.  It made me think that we all need God's help when it comes to family and friends.  Please pray for our family and that we will let God lead us to help Daddy through this time and to have the wisdom to plan for the future correctly. 

Lumbar Puncture

Yesterday Daddy had a CT scan and everything looked fine.  His drain has been out for 48 hours now and thus far he is doing well.  This morning the doctors will be preforming a lumbar puncture on Daddy.  The lumbar puncture will check his fluid levels (CSF).  Please pray that the levels are good so a permanent shunt is not needed.  Also, pray for Daddy's pain this puncture will not feel good.  I don't know when they will start or how long it takes, but I will give y'all an update as soon as I get the results.  Mom is at the hospital today and me and the boys are headed this morning to Mom and Daddy's house to wait for the repair man.  Their fridge went out:(  Please pray for my Mom as she has to deal with all these other daily issues that are not wanted at a time like this. 

On another note, pray for every mom that is at home with her kids over this holiday break--it is tough entertaining the kids when they are used to so much activity at school and seeing their friends.  We have had a rough morning:(

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Photos

Jackson and Jeffrey just finished decorating the tree.
Grammie gave the boys Christmas jammies in Nov. and they have wore them ever night since including tonight.
Jackson and Grammie Christmas Eve in Granddad's ICU room.
Jeffrey put out cookies for Santa and a carrot for the reindeer.

Aunt Liz and Uncle Matt gave the boys Aggie football helmets.

Jeffrey Christmas morning on his new skateboard.

Removal of drain

Yesterday, Sunday Dec. 26, 2010 Daddy's drain was removed.  We had thought it would come out sooner, but that was not the case.  So, Daddy was in ICU on Christmas, but we did get approved to take the boys back to see Daddy on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  However, now the boys must wait till Granddad is in a regular room to visit again.  Hopefully things will go well and the drain will stay out and Daddy can start focusing on getting stronger.  This morning when I spoke with the nurse she said Daddy had been doing fine and the doctor would check later today to see if Daddy's body was responding the way it should and absorbing the CSF correctly.

The prayers that are needed now are that the drain will not have to be reinserted, that Daddy will eat (he has only taken a bit here and there for the last 14 days), that all his bodily functions will continue to improve,  that his mental ability will fully return (he knows things, but is confused) and that he will have a positive attitude and be happy (he has been unkind and had a I don't care mind set the pass few days).

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Another angiogram

Daddy had his third angiogram today.  The doctor did not find anything to be concerned about.  They have now began to ween Daddy off his drain.  Once he is OK without the drain he will be moved off the ICU floor.  I am very excited because that means the boys can go see Granddad!  The doctor did say today that Daddy would be in the hospital through Christmas.  It stinks that Christmas will not be as we had all planned, but the doctors know best and we will celebrate the birth of our savior anyways. 

Monday, December 20, 2010


Saturday was almost like any other Saturday just in a different location.  Daddy and Granddaddy watched football and Mom, Liz and I talked with Daddy and Granddaddy adding to the conversation every now and then.  On Sunday Daddy took a little walk down the hall.  He did well and only needed a little help on the way back.  He was pretty tired afterwards.   

I got to the hospital around 10am this morning and physical therapy had already come and had Daddy walk again.  He made it all the way around the ICU floor.  He was very tired and slept for over an hour after the walk.  Occupational therapy then came and had Daddy put on a sock, sit in a chair and answer questions (date, address, phone # and things about his science classes).  Lunch was not brought until 1pm and Daddy was ready to eat (at school his lunch time is 10:30am), but he just had a few bits.  We had some other visitors and he was pretty tired by the time I left and was going to nap. 

A Doppler test is suppose to be done today, but I have not heard from the nurse yet--I will have to call.  The Doppler test is like a sonogram for the head.  They will look for any spasms in his arties. 

Overall I think Daddy is doing well.  He still has a long way to go, but I believe he will get there.  So keep prayer that he improves quickly--it is hard for Daddy to just be laying around in bed.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Visiting Hours

Visiting hours I think start at 6am and go till 9pm.  Only two people are allowed back at a time.  So if you come to visit and don't see any of us in the waiting area call one of our cell phones and we will come out to meet you or there is someone at a desk that can call back to Daddy's room.

Saturday was a good day.  I will blog more later since I am leaving to go see Daddy in the next few minutes.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Bye, bye tonsils

Jackson's tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy went very well this morning.  He did scream and cry when they took him back, but we knew that would happen.  He is now laying on the couch watching Toy Story with Jeffrey.  He has had two ice cream sandwiches, a bowl of blue bell, a Popsicle and Gatorade.  These are all things I usually don't let the boys have much of so I am struggling.  The nurse told Jackson that if he wanted ice cream for breakfast in the morning is was OK.  I sure hope he doesn't because then Jeffrey will want it as well.  On the drive home Jackson slept and I noticed he was breathing with his mouth closed.  I have never seen him do that.  It is amazing to see results so soon.

Daddy was taken down to have an angiogram around 10am this morning.  He was there for around three hours.  The doctor did not see anything of concern.  Daddy will be in ICU for seven more days and depending on how he is doing will determine where he goes from there.  He has to lay flat on his back for the next six hours to prevent bleeding from the angiogram.  Please continue to pray for good test results and quick and complete recovery.  And please pray that they will let the boys visit Granddad on Christmas in the ICU or that he gets moved to another room before Christmas.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hanging Out

When I called this morning and talked with the nurse she said they would just be hanging out today.  Daddy did well through the night.  He slept a lot and had some confusion, but that is normal and expected after what he has been through.  He sat up in a chair for about three hours this morning.  He is eating, but doesn't like the food.  Dinner today was chicken, mixed veggies and mac n cheese.  He said it looked good, but did not taste good.  Mostly today Daddy has slept.  Tomorrow they will do the doppler test again.  It is like an ultrasound.  They will be looking at his arties and seeing if there are any spasms.  Depending on what they find on the doppler test will determine if another angiogram is needed. 

I did not go to the hospital today at all.  I hadn't really seen my boys in two days so me and the boys spent the day together.  It was a hard day.  I wanted to go see Daddy, but also wanted to be with the boys.  I am sure the next couple of weeks are going to feel a lot like today.  Jackson will be having his tonsils and adenoids removed tomorrow at 9:15am--please pray all goes well.  Thus I will not be able to see Daddy tomorrow, but Saturday Josh will be home so I will get to go-yeah.

I am so thankful that I can blog about Daddy's recovery.  We have truly witnessed a miracle.  Thank you for your prayers and please keep saying them.  Jackson prayed today at lunch, "Dear Jesus thank for mommy, daddy, Jeffrey, Jackson and Spaze.  Thank you for the food.  Thank you for Granddad feel better. Amen."  I am pretty sure Jackson meant to say please help Granddad feel better, but what he said was great.  We should be thankful and positive as we pray.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Conversation with Daddy

Thank you everyone for your prayers.  Daddy is doing well.  I am here in the hospital waiting area.  I just spent about 45 mins with Daddy.  He was awake and able to talk with me.  He remember things from the past few weeks, but does not remember much from the past two days.  He knows what year it is and his name, ect.  He repeated himself several times, but he does that already.  One nurse I spoke with said everything he is doing is normal.  Daddy sit up in a chair twice today and had physical therapy as well.  It is just amazing to see all he can do so quickly.   Please continue to pray as this is going to be a very long processes.

The middle of the night phone call

At 12:30am Tuesday morning my sister called and said that my Daddy had been taken to Memorial Herman in the Woodlands by ambulance.  We had just gotten the middle of the night phone call that no one wants.  Josh called his brother to come stay with the boys and we drove to the Woodlands.  When we arrived Daddy was having a lot of head pain and not making complete sense.  He was taken for a CT scan and it was discovered that he had bleeding on the brain.  Immediately Life flight was called to take him to Memorial Herman in the Medical center.  They have a neuro something ICU and it is the best place for him to be treated.  The staff in the Woodlands was great.  If you have to go to the ER in the Woodlands go to Memorial Herman. 

Let me back track for a little bit.  Just before midnight Monday evening my Daddy developed a very bad headache on the top of his head and down the neck.  He went to bed, he had been up on the computer doing lesson plans for school (he is a middle school science teacher), but the pain was extreme and then he began to vomit a lot!  My Mom called 911 and within 10 mins. they were there loading him up. 

OK back to earlier Tuesday morning.  We then caravaned down to the medical center.  My sister and husband were in their car, Josh was in his truck and I drove my mom in her van.  We had been told in the Woodlands where a parking garage was and how to get to the Jones building were Daddy would be.  We learned a lesson in the wee hours of Tuesday morning always go straight to the ER if it is after 9pm and before 6am.  We walked around the Jones building for what seemed like forever.  It was erri how we saw no one.  I did finally find a nurses station and talked with one lady who was nice, but not helpful.  I then found a phone and talked to an operator who told us to go to the ER.  A wonderful nice helpful lady in the ER got us where we needed to be.  This all was about 4:30am.  Other family members began to arrive around 5am.  My mom, sister and I talked to many doctors, nurse, PA and such Tuesday morning.  Then a very young lady, not sure what she is, told us she would be drilling a hole in Daddy's head to insert a tube (there is some technical term) into his brain to release the CSF and blood from his brain.  This was done around 7am at his bedside in the ICU no OR needed.  At that point I last complete track of time.  So, sometime later we were able to see Daddy and he looked so much better.  He had color in his face and his blood pressure was lower not great, but lower.  He was medicated so we were unable to talk with him.  He just grunted some and he did tell the nurse it was 1944, but he did know his name.  Then the long wait began.  Dr. Ashely (I think) would be doing a cerebral angiogram to look at Daddy's arteries and hopefully discover the reason for the brain bleed.  Daddy was third in line for the day.  So, we all waited.  We talked, we walked around the hospital, we meet some other families, we complained about the large family who brought all the kids from infants to teenagers who were loud and out of control.  We had lunch in the cafe downstairs at some point--great salad bar.  Around 3:30pm Momma and Daddy's pastor arrived and said so Brett is having his test done now.  We immediately said o good, wait how do you know.  Being clergy he was able to go back to the ICU and was told what was going on, which we were so thankful for since no one had told us.  There was differently a lack of communication all afternoon and evening.  The pastor was told that Daddy should be done in about an hour in a half.  After many more hours of waiting and more visitors coming and going we finally talked with Dr. Ashely around 10pm Tuesday night.  The angiogram had taken about six hours because Daddy's arteries and veins are a mess.  All of his arteries are weak and have atherosclerosis (hardening of arties).  This is cause by genetics, age and a fatty diet.  Daddy's arteries that go up the sides of his neck to his brain were clear.  In the back of the neck one was completely blocked and no blood was going through.  The other one was very weak and the doctor put in a stint.  Once the stint was in he continued to looking at the arteries from that point going into the brain and found a very very large aneurysm that had bleed.  A coil was then place into the aneurysm to stop and prevent more bleeding. 

We now wait and see how Daddy does.  He has the tube down his throat for breathing.  Hopefully that will come out today.  When I called the nurse around 8:30am this morning she said he had a good night, which means he is stable and nothing worst happened, and he was answering yes and no questions and if he continued to do well the doctor would ok the tube to come out today.  Once the tube is removed and he is taken out some of the meds we will know how much brain damage was done by the bleed.  He could have lose of motor skills, speech, difficulty understanding, all kinds of scary things.  Because of family history, age and other risk factors Daddy is at high risk for a stroke, another bleed, brain damage and what I will choose not to think about. 

Please pray for Daddy, the doctors and nurses, Mom and the our whole family.  Thus far the boys have not asked to many questions.  They know Granddad is sick and mommy was with him all day yesterday.  I don't want to tell them to much now because Jackson is having his tonsils removed at TC on Friday.  After Jackson has recovered we will have to get special permission for the the boys to see Granddad in the ICU and at that point I will explain more to the boys.  This maybe weird, but what is most upsetting to me is that the boys could possible not see Granddad for three weeks and if there is brain damage they may not be able to to do all the fun things they love to do with Grandad like planting bean stalks so they can climb them once they grow really big.

I will keep everyone updated as I know more info. What we need the most right now is prayer.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Last week someone told me they were not counting the days till Christmas, but till the new year because 2010 had been terrible.  During that conversation  I agreed.  Several days later as I laid in bed almost asleep this conversation came to mind and I thought 2010 has been sad, but good.  So I have made a list of good things from each month of 2010.

Jan.--I carried life within me.
Feb.--The boys and I had a fun afternoon buying gifts for Josh's birthday and decorating a cake.  Jackson picked out colored pens and Jeffrey choose socks.
March--I went to Romania and was able to love on children and share God's love.
April--I made a new friend.  She is a mother of a girl with Turner's.  She gave me support like no one else could.  She has been such a blessing to me.
May--I felt love and support from all of you.  It has been said that you find out who your true friends are in crisis.  Well, I didn't lose any this year, so thank you.
June--Josh and I were able to take a weekend trip together.
July--The boys and I spent lazy days at the pool.
Aug.--Some very dear friends of mine (many of you) didn't forget Jamie's due date.  I received emails just saying you remembered and I was given a lovely necklace of birthstones for each of my children.
Oct.--Both the boys are in preschool this year, which means three days 9-2pm all alone.  Silents is so nice sometimes.
Nov.--A mini family reunion over the Thanksgiving weekend was nice.
Dec.--The boys are so excited about Christmas this year.  Jackson knows exactly what he wants where last year he said, "I don't need anything mommy."  Jeffrey wants whatever Jackson says.  Jackson will be having his tonsils and adenoids removed this Friday.  This is much needed and know it will keep us from going to the doctor a lot in 2011.  Please pray for Jackson on Friday.

Please comment and share your good things from 2010.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Howdy my dear blog readers.  It has been some time I know.  I do hope each of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving--ours was great.  I got sick but enjoyed myself anyway. 

News.  How do you determine if news is good or bad?  If the news makes you happy is it good?  Or if it makes you sad is it bad?  Yesterday, as I was reading the 3rd and 4th grader Sunday school lesson these questions came to mind (if you didn't know I teach Sunday school).  Mary and Joseph were both visited my an angel and told that Mary would give birth to Jesus.  You can read these stories in Luke chapter one and Matthew chapter one.  The teacher book lays this lesson out that Mary and Joseph received good news from their angelic visits.  The kiddos are going to make paper megaphones and shout good news that should be fun, ha ha ha.  I don't think this was good news for Mary and Joseph.  They had to be scared and asking a lot of questions.  Mary could have been stoned and Joseph had to make a big choice to stay with Mary.  Thousands of years later we read the story and are excited because we know this baby is Christ our Lord, but Mary and Joseph could not of understood all that their first child would be.  So what does this mean for you and me?  When we get news that is bad and we all do at sometime remember Mary and Joseph and how their scary news brought salvation to you and me.  My "bad" news is not going to save the world, but it could help someone someday somewhere--I hope. 

Monday, November 15, 2010


Yesterday's sermon was on one of Jesus miracles.  We read in Matthew chapter 14 about how Jesus feed five thousand people with five loafs of bread and two fish.  I had a hard time paying attention because at the beginning of the passage it says, "He (Jesus) was moved with compassion for them and healed their sick."  All I could think about after that was why not Jamie?  I know that Jamie is perfect now and all this is in God's plans, but all I could think was why, why, why as tears rolled down my face.  I cry a lot in church lately.  Even though I have peace I think I will always be sad and wonder why.  The closing prayer lifted my spirits some.  Chris prayed "use our sorrows. . ."  And that is why Jamie is not with me so God could use this situation for His glory.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Lately, I feel in a hurry at all times.  We are always rushing to finish up something to move to the next thing that we rush through.  A few days ago I stopped to think about how and where I spent my time.  I did not find to many activities or commitments so where was all my time going.  I do spent to much time on the computer (emailing, facebook, scrap booking, earning swagbuck, ect.) and I read for pleasure a lot.  But the big thing I realized is that my attitude was not what it should be.  Thus, I am making some changes.  I have limited my computer time, no reading for hours and hours at night instead of sleeping and I am getting up 30 minutes earlier to spent some quiet moments reading the Bible and praying.  It is amazing how much more I can get from a quiet time that is actually quiet and there are not two little boys running and screaming through the house.  As for my attitude I am focusing on the task at hand be it landry, a game of uno with the boys or blogging instead of thinking about what else needs to be done.  I am not doing any less this week, but it feels like it becasue of my attitude.  Why not try it yourself.

Sometimes I read the Bible and can apply so much to my daily life and then there are times where I read and read and don't really find anything for me.  It has kinda been that way for the past few weeks.  On Monday morning my first day of getting up earlier Jackson joined me in bed as I was reading.  Side note for a minute it doesn't matter how much earlier I get up Jackson can sense it and he gets up earlier too.  Ok so I tell Jackson he can stay if he is quiet and still.  I contiune reading and then pray.  Afterwards, Jackson and I are talking and we start talking about what I read from the Bible and it hit me.  As I read a passage and nothing is sticking out at me I just have to think how would I explain it to the boys.  Doing that allows me to get the main point. 

"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Thursday, November 4, 2010

. . . to the end of the earth.

Do you ever wonder if you are making any difference in the world?  Do you ask yourself what is my purpose and am I doing it?  Am I doing what God wants or what I want? 

I ask these questions of myself every now and then.  Tonight I have asked them.  Honestly, I don't think I am making a big enough difference in the world.  I know things I do impact lives, but I just feel like there is more that God is calling me to do.  I don't know what that is right now, but I will keep my eyes, ears and heart open. 

"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1:8

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matthew 28: 19-20

"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men," Colossians 3:23

Do you have to go to the ends of the earth to make a difference for Christ?  No, you don't have to go any farther than you own home in some cases.  You can make a difference in your neighborhood or at work.  Sometimes I think I am to busy living life that I miss out on doing everything "in the name of the Lord Jesus."  If I were to do everything for God from the laundry to grocery shopping to dentist appointments to teaching Sunday school to say bedtime prayers with the boys I would be making a daily difference in the world.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The new blog address is

I was unable to get the one I mentioned a few days ago.

How is church?

Today at HEB I ran into an old friend.  He asked how is church?  He is fully aware of what our church as been through this year and that is what he was asking about.  I said that things were going well and we were working hard through this season.  He said that he had been praying for our church.  Isn't it nice to know that other believers that attend other churches are praying for our church?  As the day went on the question stayed with me.  If I was asked again how is church?  I would answer GREAT!!!  Sunday one of the 3rd grade girls is my Sunday school class was baptised.  It is wonderful to think I will not only see this girl each week in class, but also in heaven one day.  A friend, whose mother recently passed away, stood on stage yesterday in church and sang "when the darkness closes in I will say blessed be the name of the Lord."  What an encouragement to look into my friends eyes and see the pain and sorrow of losing one you love and yet she can stand and say blessed be the name of the Lord.  And last night at Trunk or Treat there were tons of kids and parents.  750 hot dogs were grilled and that was not enough.  Josh says next year they will cook 1200.  Church is not about a building, a location, programs or the leadership.  It is about people and what happend yesterday.  It is about worshiping God through baptism, song, Bible study and fellowship. 

Friday, October 29, 2010

Laughter & Tears

The new title and look is here.  After thinking and thinking it just came to me last night in bed as once again I was not sleeping.  I have been pondering Ecclesiastes chapter three for several weeks.  It is the scripture theme of the table a friend and I are decorating for the ladies holiday banquet at our church.  I picked this passage because this past year I have really come to see that there is a time for everything. 

There is a song that I have enjoyed listening to on the radio lately.  I don't know the name of the song or who sings it, but I sure to like it.  It talks about different things happening in one's life, but that it won't be long until every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.  And we will all be there together singing holy holy to the Lord.  For me and others who have lost children we will get to praise the Lord along side our little angles. 

Will you being standing at the feet of Jesus one day singing praises?  Will you be in heaven or hell?  How does one know where he will spend eternity?  Just ask yourself do I believe that Jesus is the son of God and that He came to earth as a baby, lived a sinless life and died on the cross for my sin? If yes confess that in prayer to God and you will be saved.  Some great verse to read are Romans 3:23, 6: 23, 5:8, 10: 9.

I will be changing to laughter& in a few days.  If you get an email each time I post there should be no changes for you. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

New look

I have been playing around with new backgrounds and layouts for this blog. It may change many times as I try to decide what I like. I also would like a new title, but am having trouble coming up with one. If you have any ideals let me know.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


What do you want? More sleep? More money? More time? More friends? More power? More queit moments? That question was brought up yesterday several times. First I received an email about the up coming sermon series at our church. Over the next four weeks we will be hearing about what Jesus wants. Then last night Josh and I watched a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. On the show Raymond made a list of goals to accomplish before he dies. It was pretty funny. He wanted to eat certain foods and never throw up again. I said to Josh I just want to go a whole day and not hear anyone cry (Jeffrey cried a lot yesterday evening and into the early hours of this morning). As I was unable to sleep last night I thought what do I want out of life? And what does God want from me during this life? Do they match up? Will I allow God to work in my life to accomplish His goals? I don't know the answers to those questions. It is hard to know if I am doing God's will or my own. I probably think to much--sometimes I feel I miss out because I am trying to hard to figure it all out. It is hard not to want the things of this world. We can easily get caught up in worldly desires without even realizing it. I choose today to choose God's desires. What do you choose?

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher that the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

If You Take A Mouse To The Movies

First today I would like to finish up my thoughts from my last post. I only remember one another thing I wanted to post about. Several weeks ago some ladies from our Sunday school class and I hosted a girls night at the Ronald McDonald House. It was a chance for the moms staying there to eat some yummy snacks and just hang out with other ladies while their children were watching a movie in the other room. Wow, it was so hard for me not to just broke down when a couple of ladies shared their stories. I saw photos of a little, little baby girl who is at Texas Children's trying to live. I felt very honored that these ladies opened up and shared, because they could have just eaten the snacks, played the games we brought and put on that smile we seem to give everyone even when we are in so much pain on the inside. One lady shared that one day she over heard a nurse say that she was so thankful and blessed to have a healthy child of her own unlike the ones she was around at work. The mom that told this story was just amazing. She said, who can say I am not just as blessed because I have been given the chance to love my baby even though he is not "perfect." I agree with what she said, but I also can't help but say "thank you Lord for healing Jamie and taking her home with You. Thank You that she doesn't have to struggle to hold on to life and go through surgery after surgery. It almost seems wrong to say that, but I think that is just another way God is giving me peace.

Have you ever read If You Take A Mouse To The Movies? The boys love to read that book and the other ones as well. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie and If You Take A Mouse To School. The book go like this: If you take a mouse to the movies he will want some popcorn. Then he will want to string the popcorn and do a lot of other things until you are once again back at the movie to start all over. As I was getting ready yesterday morning I thought that is my life lately. I feel sad and down and then a series of events happen usually getting worst before it gets better and then the sad moment comes again and I start all over. You can most likely relate in some way. Maybe it is not emotional for you. Maybe you decide to eat healthier and you are doing good, then you have bunko and so you will just eat bad that evening, then your husband takes you to dinner so you have too many chips and salsa and then your back to eating bad. A week later you decide to eat healthier and you start all over again. How do we break that cycle? I can't give you the answer, but God gave me mine yesterday. God spoke to my heart during my ladies Bible study yesterday morning and then I heard something on the radio (KSBJ) that reinforced it. So over the course of yesterday I realized that I don't have to figure out why I feel the way I do. Thus, I don't have to come up with a plan to make it all better. All, I have to do is say Lord, I don't understand what is going on in my life right now, but You do and I trust You. I also realized that I do not have to find the right words to pray. I can just sit with Jesus and the Holy Spirit will pray for me. And so many of you are praying along with the ladies in my Bible study--thank you. Thank you for raising your shield of faith to protect me from the devil's darts (Ephesians 6: 16).

"But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13: 5-6

Friday, October 15, 2010

I need a drink!

Sonic is calling my name and if the boys wake up from their naps before happy hour is over we will most likely be there. I however, will not wake them. We have plans this evening and they need all the sleep they can get for a late night out. So, don't worry when I say I need a drink--I just mean a root beer from sonic.

This day has not been what I planned. When I took the boys to preschool this morning we found out that the school had been closed for the day. Apparently there is a gas leak, thus no school. Jackson said, "we are luck." How is it that a preschooler who loves school already is excited about missing a day? On our way home Jackson made us a new plan for today. We biked to the park, which is really fun now, because Jackson rides his bike and I only have Jeffrey in the bike trailer. Two boys in the trailer was getting to be to much for my legs. It is such a beautiful day and cool enough that we wore sweatshirts. When we got back home Jackson decided that we could all play two hands of Uno and then I could do something I needed to get done and then repeat. I don't know where he gets his need to plan everything out--ha ha. Every other Friday is a day just for me--that was today. I look forward to this day to spend time doing what I want and not necessarily what should be done. I was a little worried about today because, my plan was to do some blogging (there is a lot on my mind), finish Jamie's scrapbook pages (almost done) and go to this new home store. I don't know the name of the store, but it is where Linen's -n-things used to be. It is support to be like Kirkland's, but bigger and better. Why was I worried? To much time to think about Jamie. Well, God fixed that for me with a gas leak.

The things that have been on my mind this week:
  • Philippians 1:3-6 "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I read this earlier this week in one of my Bible study lessons. It is a great verse and I read it before thinking, "I'm so glad God is not done with me and that He will keep working on me." But, when I read it this time all I could think was why was God done with Jamie so quickly? Now, I know that that thought is from Satan. He really does do battle in our minds. The truth is that God is still using Jamie's life in mine and yours and will until Christ returns.

  • On Wed. evening Josh and I attended a prayer service for Lin Moore. She has stage IV cancer. During the service I prayed with my whole heart for God to remove the cancer from her spine, pelvis, femur and to remove the fluid in her lungs and to dissolve the blood clot in her arm. But, I also asked myself, "how can I pray for healing? I did it once before and it did not work." Again Satan is putting thoughst in my head that I don't want there. The truth is that God did heal Jamie in the best possible way. I will continue to pray for Lin to be healed and also that her family will have peace if that healing is like Jamie's.

  • I have been thinking a lot about being in Romania last March. That was right before our life changed forever. I was pregnant and so excited, loving on children in Romania. Several of us on the trip had to leave early, because of an airline strike. It was a hard and difficult decision to make, but we know it was God's plan for us. I realized on the flight home that my purpose for the trip had been accomplished and I could go home knowing I had done what God wanted from me. I don't know then it was also a time of preparation. God was teaching me that He had a plan and was working it out regardless of my plans.

Well, Jackson is up so I will have to save my other thought for another time.

"Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms." James 5:13

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Bedtime Prayers

Well, this is a first--two post in one day. I had someone email me and ask what the Nazarite vow was. I am sure their are others also wondering the same thing. You can read about the Nazarite vow in Numbers 6:1-21. Basically, a man or woman chooses to take a vow of separation to consecrate himself to the Lord. This could be a vow for a limited time or for life. They were not allowed to drink or eat from fruit of the vine (grapes, wine, ect.). They did not cut their hair, which was an outward sign of the consecration. And they could not touch a dead body even if a family member died. It was a time of dedicating oneself to the Lord.
After putting Jeffrey to bed this evening I went to Jackson's room to say bedtime prayers. He wanted me to pray tonight. Sometimes he prayer, sometimes we say the Lord's prayer together and sometimes I pray. So, I prayed opened my eyes and Jackson looked at me and said what about the baby and then he began to cry. Trying very hard not to lose it I asked if he wanted me to pray for baby Myra ( we visited a friend today that just had a baby). He said yes and so I did pray. I then asked Jackson why are you crying? He said, I'm not crying as he wiped his tears on his pillow. We talked for some time and both agreed that is was sad that our friend got to have a baby girl and we don't. I asked him if he want to pray for a baby girl and he said tomorrow night. I had to laugh. I then thought we need to talk about that God doesn't always give you want you want and that He knows what is best. I tried, but Jackson was not open to hear anything about that tonight. It was such a sweet time just laying in bed with Jackson and knowing that both our hearts were hurting for Jamie. Jackson has such a big heart and loves very deeply. Sometimes I wish he was younger like Jeffrey and thus would not remember and be effect as much. But then I know that this hard time in his young life will make him a stronger man one day and will give him character and a story to tell.

A Sacrifical Vow

I am currently attending a Bible study at church called Walking with God. For the next two weeks we are in spiritual boot camp. During these two weeks we are to enter into a vow of separation to God. The vow will be to abstain from something that brings you "natural joy." As I was reading about men and women of the Bible taking the Nazarite vow I knew in my heart what God was asking me to abstain from and I cried. However, it is now day two for me and I am doing good. Although, I have found myself turning to other things instead of focusing on God when I feel the desire to do what I am abstaining from. Last night Josh said, "you are giving up a good habit and replacing it with a bad one." We laughed, but that is exactly what I did last night. So, today when I feel the desire I am going to choose to pray instead of fulling that time with something else. Pray that I can do this for two weeks.
On another note. For several weeks I have been thinking about changing up my blog. I am going to come up with a new name, background, photos, ect. At first I felt bad, but after talking with a friend I see that I am not forgetting Jamie, but just moving on in life. My friend said, it is a good sign that I have got to this point. So keep a look out for my new design.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Fire Battalion Chief Joseph Pfeifer said at the 9-11 exhibition at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History in 2002, "My definition of a hero is one of ordinary people doing the ordinary right thing at an extraordinary time." As I read this quote earlier today I thought of Biblical men and women that were just ordinary people who obeyed the call of God on their lives and became heroes. Moses, Joshua, Noah, Rahab, Mary, and Paul to name a few. We each can be a hero to someone by doing the ordinary right thing of obeying God and sharing His love with those around us. It maybe small, it maybe big, only one may notice or thousands may take notice, but it doesn't matter when one obeys God He notices and that is what counts. What ordinary thing will you do this week?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Make a Deal

Yesterday I took the boys to have photos made. Jackson was not happy about going. He made it clear that he was not wearing what I wanted him to wear and he would go, but would not take a picture. Thus we made a deal. If he wore the clothes I choose and was well behaved while taking pictures there would be a surprise afterwards. Jackson said, "O, I will do it for a surprise." That situation yesterday made me think do I make deals with God? We want our children to do what we say without any questions or surprises afterwards, but we or at least I don't live up to that standard. God ask us to worship with a body of believers. We say I will if I get something out of it or if the people are just like me. God ask us to give of our time and money. We say OK if there is any leftover. God ask us to read His Word. We say sure if I finish this novel first. God ask us to put Him first in our lives. We say no problem if you will bless me with what I want. God asks us to praise Him. We do if we also get some praise as well.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Rejoice in the Lord, always!

One verse from my Bible study lesson earlier today has really stuck in my mind. "The son of Carmi was Achar, the troubler of Israel, who transgressed in the accursed thing." 1 Chronicles 2:7. In this chapter of Chronicles the family tree of Israel begins it most reads like this "the sons of Judah were. . . the descendants of Caleb were. . ." Every now and then there is a short statement about someone. Wow, I would not want to be remember as the trouble maker, but what my mind keeps asking is what would it say about Jamie. Would it just read the descendants of Josh were Jackson, Jeffrey, and Jamie born to him by Suzanne or has she impacted some one's life so much that a statement would be written. I don't know what it would say, but I just hope that her short life is not forgotten and impacts many.
I am not doing well. . . . . .actually I feel pretty good right now, because a neighbor called and we haven't talked in sometime and it is always nice to catch up with a friend. But these last few weeks have been very hard emotionally for me. I think I am maybe a little depressed. No need to worry though. I am not laying in bed all day refusing to do anything. I just don't enjoy much. I am still doing all the things I need and should do and the things that I enjoy (working out, scrap booking, reading and such). There is just a heaviness and a cloud hanging over me. So, pray for me and Josh and the boys. I don't like missing out on the fun.
These are the verses I choose to cling to and believe during this time. "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Well, I know it has been several weeks since my last post so I will catch y'all up on what has been going on. It was nice hearing from some that you missed reading my blog. I don't know how many actually still read (I'm sure there is a way to count how many visit the blog, but I don't know how to do that) so it was nice to hear that many are reading.
Aug. 26, 2010 was Jamie's due date. The actually day was not bad. I was busy with meet the teacher and getting the boys are set for preschool. The days before and after were harder on me. With Jeffrey starting preschool this year I have meet new moms that don't know about Jamie and their simple questions of how many kids do you have? or are y'all planning on more? have been a little to much for me. And this one older lady at HEB just would not stop talking to me and all she wanted to talk about was kids, babies and such.
I have been in a bad mood for several weeks. That is one reason why I haven't posted--I just can't write well when I am moody. I'm not sure why I have been in this mood--it is a combination of things most likely. My hormones are still off that's for sure. After each of the boys and now Jamie I have lost A LOT of hair. Normally my hair is all over the house, but it more like piles now. That maybe to much information for some-sorry, but if you have ever been in my house you know I like to keep it clean. So when my hair stop falling out as much I will know my hormones are back on track.
I began scrapbook pages for Jamie last week. That was emotionally draining. It is going to take me a while to get it done because I want it to be perfect and I want to be alone while I work. I don't have a lot of photos, but at least I have something. I have a scrapbook of all my pregnancies so I will add photos of me carrying Jamie, sonogram photos and will journal about telling our family we were expecting and some of the story from March to May. The funeral home gave us a nice book you signed if you came to the funeral. I am adding the words to songs sang at the funeral, photos taken at the funeral and photos of Jamie at the hospital. When I looked at these photos of Jamie last week I felt joy in seeing my beautiful little girl. When I looked at the photos times before it was hard and all I could see was that she wasn't what she was suppose to be, but now I know she was exactly the way God created her to be--perfect.
Ok, on to something else. I just read Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It is wonderful. I read it in two settings and stayed up way to late last night to finish. It is about a homeless man and an art dealer and his wife and how their lives cross and people are changed. I told Josh he should read it and he wasn't so sure since he heard be crying as I read. I said, but it isn't sappy movie sad, but real life sad. Which he said is worst. It is sad, horrible, touching and amazing all at the same time. Get it and read it you will love it!
I am teaching 3rd and 4th grade Sunday school and this month we are studying four names of God. Last week was Yahweh, which means I AM. Our basic lesson was God is unique and there is none like Him. And God is, has always been and always will be. The kids were very unfocused last week and just wanted to play hangman, but the lesson spoke to me. No matter what God is God. It makes no difference if it is sunny or rainy, if I am happy or sad or if Jeffrey peed in his pants again--God is God. This coming Sunday we are studying the name El Shaddai. We will look at God's power and how He using it to protect His people. This makes me think of stories of things that happened to those in Same Kind of Different As Me God could have protected these men from pain and sorrow, but He didn't. God could have protected me and my family from the pain of losing Jamie, but He didn't. Why? Because we can't see the end of the road only God can. His perfect plan is being accomplished through our joys and sorrows and one day in heaven we will be in God's glory, because we shared in the joys and sorrows.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pleasing God

I am attending a ladies Bible study at church. We are studying "Walking With God" by Mindy Ferguson. After doing the first weeks lessons the one thing that keeps rolling over in my mind is am I pleasing God? According to Hebrews 11:6 faith is what is required to please God. Ok, I have faith, but is it strong enough? Would I have faith if God asked me to do something difficult or uncommon? You maybe thinking "Suzanne you do have faith look at what you are dealing with now." I know I have faith in God when things happen that are out of my control like losing Jamie, but do I have faith when God ask me to be obedient. Abram was told by God to leave his family and country and go to a new land. Could I do that? It does make me feel better that Abram couldn't obey fully--he left his country, but not his family. You can read this story in Genesis chapter 12. What about the rich young ruler in Matthew chapter 19. Jesus told him to sell all he had and give to the poor. Could I do that? We do donate our old stuff and give school supplies and shoes to kids in need, but could I give so much that it caused me and my family to go with out. I'm not sure what God is asking me to do, but he is working on me that is for sure. For now I will just try to focus more on others' needs than getting new curtain to put in Jeffrey's room.
"Whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My (Jesus') disciple." Luke 14:33

Monday, August 16, 2010


Watch this video about laminin it is amazing.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Baby Talk

I attended a baby shower this afternoon for a neighbor who is having a little girl. It went very well. I was not sure how I would handle being around a lot of baby talk and seeing the cute clothes. There was a moment were I had to take a deep breath and make myself relax, but overall I had a great time. The cupcakes were wonderful!
The boys talk a lot about Jamie and having another baby we can keep. It is getting easier to hear and I actually enjoy hearing them talk about Jamie now. It helps me to remember that her short time here on earth served a purpose. We took the boys to Galveston earlier this week. I was out in the water with Jeffrey jumping in the waves and said something about God making the waves for us to play in and we should thank Him. Jeffrey said we need to be in heaven. I asked why and he said to tell God. I explained that prayer is talking to God even though we can't see Him. Jeffrey said maybe our baby will tell Him. A couple of weeks ago I would have been in tears, but I just smiled and said maybe she will.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


There are times when I journal everyday and then I can go months without journal at all. I wish I wrote in my journal everyday because looking back is so amazing. I have been looking through my journal trying to find something I wrote before the doctor visit that changed everything. I can't remember the happy excited feeling I know I had. I don't remember taking a home pregnancy test. I don't remember telling Josh I was pregnant. When I think back all I can remember is laying on the table, the doctor walks in, looks at the ultrasound screen and says the boys need to leave. Josh says in time I will remember, but I don't know. Anyways, what I really want to share is how God was working in me back in November to prepare me for that day in March. Last November I was reading scripture and praying trying to get a handle on something I was dealing with at that time. Some of the scriptures were about God being in control, finding joy in God and not situations, blessings coming from the most unlikely places and being content with what God gives you. That little small struggle took me to scripture that has helped me over the past months. So, seek God in all things big and small. The little things prepare you for the big ones.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The cemetery

I went and visited Jamie's grave yesterday. I was all alone and it was a strange feeling driving out to the cemetery. As I drove questions that Jackson would ask popped into my head. Why are we going? Why are there graves? What's a headstone for? Can I pee on that pile of dirt(all mothers of boys understand that question)? I don't know how I would have answered Jackson. I don't know why I felt like going to the cemetery. I don't understand my feelings about it all. When I got there I stood at Jamie's grave for a minute and then began to walk around and look at the headstones and what people leave on the graves. I saw real flowers, fake flowers, beer cans, pinwheels, flags and a face mask. I knew some of the people that were buried and recognized family names of others. Two headstones I read upset me more than being at Jamie's grave. One was for a baby who lived two days in 1987 and one was for a two year old girl. Going out to the cemetery made me think more of my boys than anything else. What would I do if something happened to them. A wise lady told me not to long ago that I would never have to worry about Jamie like I do the boys because I know exactly where she is now. That is such a true statement and a comfort as well. I have peace that Jamie is in heaven. I am still sad, but my worries and fears are about me and my family's time on this earth. What peace we will all have when we are in heaven with knees bowed proclaiming that that Jesus is King.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"He made the stars also....And God saw that it was good."
Genesis 1
As we sat Sunday night at a neighborhood park waiting along with everyone else for the fireworks Jackson reminded us of God's handiwork. Josh, Jeffrey and I were looking in the distance at someone else's fireworks when Josh said to Jackson look over here. Jackson said but look and pointed to the dark sky. I said what is it I don't see anything. Jackson said, "the stars!"

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble;
My eye wastes away with grief,
Yes my soul and my body!
For my life is spent with grief,
And my years with sighing;
My strength fails because of my iniquity,
And my bones waste away.
But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."
My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
But I am poor and needy'
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliver;
Do not delay, O my God.
Psalms 31:9-10, 14-15 & 40:11-12, 17

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Soul

It is raining, no sun is shining.
It is well with my soul.
My little girl is in heaven instead of with me.
It is well with my soul.
Pain is in my heart and this world.
It is well with my soul.
So many unanswered questions.
It is well with my soul.
Everywhere my eyes look there is sin.
It is well with my soul.
I mourn for what could of been.
It is well with my soul.
I praise the Lord because. . .
It is well with my soul.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


You have must likely heard someone say, God will not give you more than you can handle. I have been told that several times over the last few months. God has given me more than I can handle so that I will turn to Him. I was reading in second Timothy. "You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." 2 Timothy 2:3 "For if we died with Him, we shall also live with Him. If we endure, we shall also reign with Him." 2 Timothy 3:11-12. I don't really want to endure the struggles of this world, but I am a soldier of Christ and thus have chosen to carry the cross.
Our friend and neighbor Randy is having heart surgery this week. Please pray for him and his family.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

God's Grace

"God's Presence did not reduce the pain or delay the death. Instead, grace meant the gift of growth in the inner person. It meant inner transformation. It enabled them to see something larger than the circumstances. It provided hope when despair may have overtaken them. It gave assurance in the face of apparent defeat. It made their lives more meaningful than they ever imagined or experienced. Grace changed their perspective. Grace lifted their eyes beyond the horizon of their pain to a promise that could not be disappointed and a love that could not be diminished." (Sacred Waiting by David Timms)
I prayed for healing, but did not receive healing for Jamie. I prayed and continue to pray for strength, peace, and understanding. No where in God's Word are we promised an easy life. But all through it we are promised a loving Savior who will walk with us and carry us through this life (Deuteronomy 31:6). I am growing and being transformed. God is working on a larger plan than just me. God as given me hope in the darkest moments. The grace of God has lifted my eyes beyond the pain to Him. I would never have chosen to go through the great trail of losing Jamie, but I can embrace it and thus share in Christ's suffering (Philippians 3:10-11). Why would I want to do that? Because suffering produces spiritual fruit. My suffering, if embrace through God's grace, can touch others and draw them to our Savior.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Two Books

"In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62: 7-8
There are two books I wanted to let y'all know about. Grammie gave the boys a devotional book yesterday. VeggieTales: 365 Very Veggie Devos For Kids. Josh read one at dinner tonight and I really thought it was good. It wasn't to long--the boys listened. They didn't understand what it was saying, but we were able to talk about it and then they got it....hopefully. I'm not a reading teacher, but I think it is about a 3rd or 4th grade reading level so older kids could read on their own. The second book is one I am reading for a book study at church, Sacred Waiting by David Timms. David says waiting on God is like a waiter. The waiter first lets you know he is present and then he serves your food. When we wait on God we must be in His presence and serve Him. I have verses posted in my bathroom that I read each day. A couple on waiting for the Lord have taken on new meaning for me.
"But those who wait (are in His presence and serve Him) on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31
"Nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits (is present and serves) for Him."
Isaiah 64:4
Italics are my words. God is not asking us to do nothing. He wants a relationship with us and that includes time spent with Him and time serving Him. And then we will have the strength to carry on in this world.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

So much to share

I feel like I have so much to share right now. I was actually in bed trying to sleep, but just had to get up and blog. Hopefully after getting my thoughts out I will go right to sleep.
Monday the boys got their cowboy hats placed in time out for the whole day. Jackson also had to put his stick horse in time as well. The boys are very into playing cowboy and roping up horses--it is really cute to watch their imaginations take off. The boys were upset when they watched me place these toys in time out (the fireplace mantle). As the day went on they still had thinks to play with and everything was fine to them. In our relationship with the Lord we are walking along and all is fine. We have salvation and know God is for us not against us. But what if we started obeying His word and serving Him. We would receive blesses (the cowboy hat and stick horse). We are missing out on God's blesses for our lives because we settle for fine. I pray that fine will not be ok for me and that I will obey and service God and receive His blesses. That is a huge pray that will take my life to achieve.
A friend and I took the kids to a jump place (they have inflatables) this morning to well jump. All went well until it was time to leave. Jackson had decided that he was not going to wear his flip flops, which was fine with me. As we reached the door Jackson sits down in the doorway and decides he wants to wear his shoes. That was a very good choice, because there was bird poop all over the sidewalk. As I am waiting for Jackson to put his shoes on I handed the keys for the van to my friend and ask her to start the air and get the other kiddos belted up. At that moment Jackson starts to cry and says "I'm not leaving till they come back (the other kiddos)." I said they are not coming back they are getting the van cooled off for you. Still he is not moving. By now we have been setting in the doorway for sometime and the owner asked if I would close the door. Thurs I pick Jackson up kicking and screaming and put him in the van. And then I have to physically force him into his car seat and buckle him up. A very upsetting moment that I had to take deep breaths to make it through and having my friend with me helps. Here is where I see God in the situation. God is the parent that picks up the kicking and screaming child (me). Jackson felt like he got left behind and so he was upset and had a tatram. I feel like the world keeps right on going unaware of our deep and painful loss of Jamie. I am stuck and can't move on, but God knows what is best thus He has picked me up kicking and screaming and placed me back into the world. Some things have been ok, but everyday is hard. Going to the library, the jump place , girls night out (ladies that was nice we need to do that more often), church, HEB all these placing and the conversations I have there remind me of Jamie. I don't want to forget her, but the pain is still very fresh that it would be nice to go do something and not be reminded. One more thing whenever one of the boys starts throwing a fit. I always tell them when you are done I will be here and we can talk and hug. That is just how our heavenly father is for us. After I stop screaming and throwing my little pity party. God is there to hold me and talk through all that is going on.
On another note. I have been sharing daily things that go on in our family and relating them to our relationship with God. They are not profound or even right. I type only what God lays on my heart. I am having trouble reading the Bible and praying to God right now. And I think that is ok for now. So I am very thankful that God is speaking to me through the boys and daily situations of our lives. I know all the church answers--I grew up southern baptist. But now God as shown me through my life situations these biblical truths in a whole new light. I pray they can give you a different perspective on life as well.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I can do it!

Jackson's thumb is hurting so he needs a band-aid. I get one out of the cabinet and start to open it. Jackson says " I can do it." I hand over the band-aid and watch him struggle to open the wrapper. Jackson is learning to do things on his own and independence, thus I let him do things that I could do faster. With God we say, Lord I'm hurting make it all better. But then we turn around and say, oh wait I can handle this. How long will it take for us to realize we don't have to struggle though on our own. God is watching us and waiting for us to ask for His help.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Swim suits

I did a little swim suit shopping earlier today--uh:( This summer I was suppose to wear my maternity swim suit, which is cute and covers all of me. Since, I won't be wearing that one I figured I should just get it over with and shop for a new suit. Have you looked at the suits lately? They don't cover much. At two different stores I picked up one of each whole piece and went to the dressing room. Each of these suits either covered my bottom half well or my top, but not both. I decided on a dress instead of a swim suit:) As I drove home I had a thought. We pull God around with us in our busy lifes wanting Him to cover everything. Just like I pulled on the swim suits to cover everything. The swim suit didn't work and it doesn't seem to be working with God either. He doesn't want us to pull Him. He wants to lead us. Only then can everything in one's life be covered with His presence and peace.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Yesterday morning the boys were fighting over the toothpaste tube so I sent them each to there rooms. Meanwhile I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes and Jackson comes screaming and crying about needing a toy that was in the living room. I told him to obey and go back to his room. He continued to cry and scream for his toy. I said if you will just obey you will get what you want after. As Jackson went back to his room I realized that is just what God is telling all of us. We ask and ask for something (peace, wisdom, patience, ect.) but are not obeying thus not receiving. We ask for peace, but are not willing to give all are cares over to Him. We ask for wisdom, but do not read His Word. I guess everyone in our house needs to work on listening and obeying.
This blog was set up to keep family and friends easily updated on Jamie's condition, but now we know her condition will not change. She will forever be with Jesus. However, I do plan to continue to blog about the things God is teaching me. I'm not sure how often this will be--just keeping checking back.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


We went to church this morning. It is a strange feeling to not be sure if you can do your everyday activities. When Josh and I talked last night about going to church we both felt the same way. We wanted to go, but then we don't at the same time. We basically decided to go this morning because we have nothing else to do. And of course we were late and we sit in the front so everyone saw us walk in, but we were actually earlier than usual.
Can you worship God when you don't understand Him? Can you worship when you are mad? Can you worship when you just don't feel like being thankful for what He has done? Yes, I think you can. Amy Grant has a new song titled "Better Than Hallelujah" and it talks about that sometimes just being honest with God is a sweeter song to Him than hallelujah. Now I have only heard the song once so if I got the message wrong sorry.
Today's sermon was about giving up your life so that you may have a new life in Christ. Ed talked about choices and choosing to be sold out for Christ or not. When one chooses to give his life over to Christ he is changed and God's love is spread. I know that God is using our family to impact His kingdom and spread His love, but I didn't choose this. It is sad to say, but I would choose to have Jamie here with me today instead of some one's life being changed because of her death. God could have healed Jamie and lives could have been changed through her healing. I don't understand why God took her so soon. So, am I living a sold out life for Christ? I don't know. By choosing to accept God's plan over your own plan is a start thus I pray for my family that we can daily accept God's plan.
On another note, yesterday we received a card in the mail from a lady in Seattle Washington. She and her church family are praying for us. That is just so amazing that someone I don't know cares and is praying. I know there are people across American and even the world that are praying for us, but they know us. To have someone take the time to send a card and pray that doesn't know us is such a comfort. Even if I didn't choose this God is using Jamie's short life to touch many and I know one day I will be able to find joy in His plan.

Friday, May 21, 2010


Emotions are confessing. I thought I was just not feeling anything at all, but I have realized with the help of others (I have shared with several people) I am mad and angry. I'm not mad at God. I have accepted that Jamie was not meant to live a long life on this earth. I don't like it, but I know that God's plans are better than mine. I am mad that I had to go through the physical changes of pregnancy. I don't really enjoy being pregnant. With all my pregnancies I felt sick, tired and fat. I know some of y'all are thinking "you look so cute with your little belly bump." Well thanks, but I didn't feel cute at all. And just ask Josh I'm not so nice either. I'm mad that I had to have a c-section and am going through all the recovery involved. I sure do love being a mom though, it is just hard to go through all the pains and discomforts and not have a baby to hold. I'm mad that my plans didn't work out. Y'all know I am a planner and like things just a certain way and well this is not what I had planned. I am mad that the boys don't have a little sister to play with. Jeffrey was saving all his little kiss. He said weeks ago, "baby little give little kisses." And Jackson would have been such the protector. Ok, I got that out and feel a bit better.
On another note while talking with a friend today I remembered something the genetic counselor told me when we first found out about Jamie's condition. "When things like this happen people don't know what to say or do and you will find out who your true friends are." You are all true friends. Everyone has been honest with me and so supportive. I couldn't ask to be a part of a better family or community of friends. Josh and I were talking the other night and both agreed that we would not be doing as well as we are if we were not here close to family and friends. In Acts chapter 17 it says God has determined the times and places you should live. God knew exactly what He was preparing us for when He moved us to the Houston area nearly five years ago. Thank you all for your true friendship.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Thank y'all so much for all the care and support. I am just so amazed by every one's efforts to comfort and provide for our needs. The food, flowers, cards, emails and visits have been great. Thanks to my family for coming and staying here at the house it has been a big help. However, it will be nice for us to be alone as an immediate family next week. I told the boys this morning that Grandma was leaving on Friday. Jackson asked "is Aunt Liz coming back?" I told them no we are ready to try this on our own, but could ask for help if it was to much. Jeffrey then said, "we call Grammie." The boys are going to miss all the extra attention. Thanks again for all you have done and are continuing to do.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Little voices

Earlier this evening Jackson, Jeffrey and I were in Jackson's room together. Jackson randomly says, "there's no baby in your tummy." Which was a perfect opening to talk about the funeral tomorrow. I explained what a funeral was and what would happen tomorrow. I told the boys that they would get to see the coffin and then go play while the mommies and daddies listened to Pastor Ed talk. Jackson said, "good I don't want to hear him talk." I had to laugh:) We moved on to other things and a few minutes later Josh comes back and I told him that we had talked about the funeral. Jeffrey then said with a big smile and excited voice, "baby Jamie live Jesus." Jeffrey has been the biggest comfort to me and others these past ten days. He is happy, cute and full of life and I believe truly knows how wonderful it is that Jamie is with Jesus.

"Normal" Day

For a few hours today I almost felt "normal." My sister, a friend and I went and saw a movie. I don't think I have ever seen a movie on a Monday morning. I felt like getting out of the house, but don't want to talk with a lot of people or walk to much so a movie was the perfect thing. We saw Letters to Juliet--great movie to see with your girlfriends.
What is normal? Is there really a normal? Normal has changed for me and I must get used to a new so called normal. Part of this new normal has already began in that I have to wait. On my 18 week visit we found out something was wrong with Jamie and then we had to wait for test results. Then we waited in between appointments to see if there had been any change in Jamie's condition. When I delivered we waited for me to come home. Once at home we waited to make funeral arrangements. Those have been made and now we wait for the actual service tomorrow. I think the hardest and longest wait will be after all the services are done, because we have to wait to be reunited with Jamie in heaven.
So for now I wait and take lots of deep breaths.
"For those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 41:31

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I know many of you have sent flowers or are planning to do so and they are lovely. However, we are asking that instead of flowers that you donate money to our church Jersey Village Baptist. The details of what the money will be used for has not be worked out yet. If you have questions please email me directly instead of commenting on the blog.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Funeral services

Funeral services for Jamie will be held at Jersey Village Baptist Church Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 11am. The service will be in the chapel (old worship center). All family and friends are welcome.

Jamie will be buried in Oakland cemetery in Navasota on Wed. May 19, 2010. This will be a private family event.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Jamie's Birth Day

We arrived at Women's hospital about 1pm on Friday, May 7, 2010. Josh and I went up to labor and delivery on the 4th floor walked to the nurses station and checked in. Our nurses Jackie and Stephanie were waiting for us with everything ready. I got changed into the lovely hospital gown got into the bed and began the process. My temp. was taken and blood pressure and the long list of questions began. Jackie and Stephanie were wonderful--hand picked just for us. Momma and Daddy and Grandma and Liz arrived within the next two hours. At three o'clock I was wheeled down to the OR. Josh waited in a special area while I was prepped. They brought Josh in and at 3:11pm Dr. Schroeder delivered Jamie. She was then placed in a warmer for a few minutes and then I got to hold my little girl. I was shocked and unprepared for how she would look. She is 11inches long, 2lbs. 3.3oz. I knew she would be little, but I didn't realize how undeveloped she would be. I pointed to her little face and asked Jackie, "is that her nose?" She is beautiful and perfect. At some point they took Jamie and finished up on me. I then was taken back to my room for recovery. There is a two visitor limit in labor and delivery, but they let everyone come in and brought in sandwiches, chips, cookies and bottled water for my family. We were able to stay in recovery for as long as we wanted. In the room next door Jackie and Stephanie dressed Jamie in a little white dress (made by a group specially for babies like Jamie) and a yellow cap. They did her feet prints and took pictures with a special blanket I brought with us. They then brought Jamie to me again. I held her and they took more pictures of Josh, Jamie and I. My Grandma also hold and had her picture taken with Jamie. And then that was enough I could no longer hold her, because she wasn't there she is in heaven. I thought I would want to hold her forever, but it was just to hard and painful and I couldn't really look at her--it was very sad. Sometime later Jackie and Stephanie took me to my room on the 2nd floor. They stayed with me while my new nurse took my blood pressure and temp and go everything hooked up in the room. It was very sad for me when Jackie and Stephanie left because they were my connection to Jamie. They were the ones that got to "mother" her. That night Josh and I had a restless night of very little sleep. Someone was in my room every hour doing something.

Friday, May 7, 2010

The arms of Jesus

Jamie is now being held in the arms of Jesus. Yesterday, I felt some changes in my body and called the nurse. Josh and I went into see Dr. Adams this morning. Jamie's heart had stop. I will have a c-section this afternoon at 3pm.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

God is near.

"Am I a God near at hand, " says the Lord, and not a God afar off?" Jeremiah 23:23

God is near. God is in control. God is my Healer. Nothing is impossible for God. God is my comfort. God is my provider. God is love.

I will repeat these statements over and over in my head today. Do you believe these statements?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Why is life so hard?

I have been asking myself today why is life so hard and filled with struggles? Whenever I have asked Josh "why is it so hard?" It being small daily struggles to big life struggles. He always says because it makes it worthwhile. We can not appreciate the joys of life without knowing the pains of life. It is the same in our Christian walk as well. We must go through the painful trails of life to one day be able to share in Christ's glory in heaven. We must carry the cross.

Monday, May 3, 2010


Through all of this I am trying to look for the lessons God is teaching me. Here are a few.
First lesson is from yesterday's sermon. The text was Luke 5: 33-39. Honestly, I can't tell you what was actually preached, because I could not think past a few verse that were read.
"And He said to them, 'Can you make the friends of the bridegroom fast while the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, then they will fast in those days.'" Luke 5;34-35
Jesus was saying that His friends were enjoying Him and His teachings, but at a later time fasting would come along with mourning because of His death on the cross. This applies to me in that I must enjoy the time I have with Jamie no matter how short or long. No sadness now that time will come and hopefully many many years from now.
Second lesson is from John 3:1-18. This story is about a Pharisee named Nicodemus who came to Jesus in secret because he wanted to learn more. Nicodemus came to Jesus in secret because he was fearful of what the other Pharisees and members of the Jewish Sanhedrin would say and think of him. Nicodemus knew God's word and His law, but could not grasp the ideal of being born again spiritually. Jesus said all you have to do is believe in Me and you will have everlasting life. I think it was to simple for Nicodemus. He was used to following the many Jewish laws and traditions. I think he wanted a check list. I have no problem with accepting God's grace and salvation through His son Jesus Christ, but I do struggle with not having control or a check list of things to do in our current situation. There is nothing I can do. No amount of exercise, eating healthier, resting more or taking a pill is going to change what is happening within my womb with Jamie's little body. God is simply asking me to let go and have faith that He is in control. It's to easy--I want to work hard and actively make things better.
Third--"But to you who fear My name the Son of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings." Malachi 4:2 This verse is taking from a passage talking about the coming of the Messiah. This gives me hope that Jesus can heal. I just pray that the healing of Jamie is for this life not heaven.
My next appointment is not till May 12th so all y'all will be getting is my thoughts for a few days. I hope they are making a impact on some one's life. If you have questions about any of the verse I have talked about please leave a comment and I will try my best to answer them correctly.
Please pray for a coworker of my Mom's. His wife is in the hospital. Her immune system crashed and she needs to have thyroid surgery, but can't with no immune system. They will be doing a bone marrow biopsy is a few days. They have three small children. Pray for wisdom for the doctors and healing for her. Pray for the kiddos and their care.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Peace, fear, comfort, uncertainty

I have so many emotions running through me today. I have peace yet don't understand how when life is so uncertain for Jamie right now. Is it truly peace I have or am I just in denial of the whole situation? I was reading another lady's blog (about 2 yrs. ago she was given a bad Dx for her child) and it was a comfort to read her say almost the same thing. She said it must be peace that passes all understanding, because it just doesn't make any sense. I know God can give me peace, but I have never had to deal with such a trail as this so I don't know if God has given me this incredible peace or if I am just not facing the issues at hand? Just yesterday I told a friend that I know everything is going to be fine. At that moment I meant Jamie would be ok and we would bring a sweet little sister home to the boys and life will be good. However, over the past 24 hours I have realized that it may not be in God's plan for us to bring Jamie home and it still will be fine and life will be good, because God is God!

I can not pray today because I can not pray for God's will. I don't want God's plan I want my plans. I believe God can give us our miracle, but I just don't know if it is in His plans. So I ask you to pray for me today and that God's will and heart will become my heart.

On a different note. We had a great time at the YAM Sunday school class picnic today. The picture below is of all the kiddos.