Saturday, July 31, 2010

Baby Talk

I attended a baby shower this afternoon for a neighbor who is having a little girl. It went very well. I was not sure how I would handle being around a lot of baby talk and seeing the cute clothes. There was a moment were I had to take a deep breath and make myself relax, but overall I had a great time. The cupcakes were wonderful!
The boys talk a lot about Jamie and having another baby we can keep. It is getting easier to hear and I actually enjoy hearing them talk about Jamie now. It helps me to remember that her short time here on earth served a purpose. We took the boys to Galveston earlier this week. I was out in the water with Jeffrey jumping in the waves and said something about God making the waves for us to play in and we should thank Him. Jeffrey said we need to be in heaven. I asked why and he said to tell God. I explained that prayer is talking to God even though we can't see Him. Jeffrey said maybe our baby will tell Him. A couple of weeks ago I would have been in tears, but I just smiled and said maybe she will.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


There are times when I journal everyday and then I can go months without journal at all. I wish I wrote in my journal everyday because looking back is so amazing. I have been looking through my journal trying to find something I wrote before the doctor visit that changed everything. I can't remember the happy excited feeling I know I had. I don't remember taking a home pregnancy test. I don't remember telling Josh I was pregnant. When I think back all I can remember is laying on the table, the doctor walks in, looks at the ultrasound screen and says the boys need to leave. Josh says in time I will remember, but I don't know. Anyways, what I really want to share is how God was working in me back in November to prepare me for that day in March. Last November I was reading scripture and praying trying to get a handle on something I was dealing with at that time. Some of the scriptures were about God being in control, finding joy in God and not situations, blessings coming from the most unlikely places and being content with what God gives you. That little small struggle took me to scripture that has helped me over the past months. So, seek God in all things big and small. The little things prepare you for the big ones.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The cemetery

I went and visited Jamie's grave yesterday. I was all alone and it was a strange feeling driving out to the cemetery. As I drove questions that Jackson would ask popped into my head. Why are we going? Why are there graves? What's a headstone for? Can I pee on that pile of dirt(all mothers of boys understand that question)? I don't know how I would have answered Jackson. I don't know why I felt like going to the cemetery. I don't understand my feelings about it all. When I got there I stood at Jamie's grave for a minute and then began to walk around and look at the headstones and what people leave on the graves. I saw real flowers, fake flowers, beer cans, pinwheels, flags and a face mask. I knew some of the people that were buried and recognized family names of others. Two headstones I read upset me more than being at Jamie's grave. One was for a baby who lived two days in 1987 and one was for a two year old girl. Going out to the cemetery made me think more of my boys than anything else. What would I do if something happened to them. A wise lady told me not to long ago that I would never have to worry about Jamie like I do the boys because I know exactly where she is now. That is such a true statement and a comfort as well. I have peace that Jamie is in heaven. I am still sad, but my worries and fears are about me and my family's time on this earth. What peace we will all have when we are in heaven with knees bowed proclaiming that that Jesus is King.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"He made the stars also....And God saw that it was good."
Genesis 1
As we sat Sunday night at a neighborhood park waiting along with everyone else for the fireworks Jackson reminded us of God's handiwork. Josh, Jeffrey and I were looking in the distance at someone else's fireworks when Josh said to Jackson look over here. Jackson said but look and pointed to the dark sky. I said what is it I don't see anything. Jackson said, "the stars!"

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble;
My eye wastes away with grief,
Yes my soul and my body!
For my life is spent with grief,
And my years with sighing;
My strength fails because of my iniquity,
And my bones waste away.
But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."
My times are in Your hand;
Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,
And from those who persecute me.
Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
But I am poor and needy'
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliver;
Do not delay, O my God.
Psalms 31:9-10, 14-15 & 40:11-12, 17