Emotions are confessing. I thought I was just not feeling anything at all, but I have realized with the help of others (I have shared with several people) I am mad and angry. I'm not mad at God. I have accepted that Jamie was not meant to live a long life on this earth. I don't like it, but I know that God's plans are better than mine. I am mad that I had to go through the physical changes of pregnancy. I don't really enjoy being pregnant. With all my pregnancies I felt sick, tired and fat. I know some of y'all are thinking "you look so cute with your little belly bump." Well thanks, but I didn't feel cute at all. And just ask Josh I'm not so nice either. I'm mad that I had to have a c-section and am going through all the recovery involved. I sure do love being a mom though, it is just hard to go through all the pains and discomforts and not have a baby to hold. I'm mad that my plans didn't work out. Y'all know I am a planner and like things just a certain way and well this is not what I had planned. I am mad that the boys don't have a little sister to play with. Jeffrey was saving all his little kiss. He said weeks ago, "baby little give little kisses." And Jackson would have been such the protector. Ok, I got that out and feel a bit better.
On another note while talking with a friend today I remembered something the genetic counselor told me when we first found out about Jamie's condition. "When things like this happen people don't know what to say or do and you will find out who your true friends are." You are all true friends. Everyone has been honest with me and so supportive. I couldn't ask to be a part of a better family or community of friends. Josh and I were talking the other night and both agreed that we would not be doing as well as we are if we were not here close to family and friends. In Acts chapter 17 it says God has determined the times and places you should live. God knew exactly what He was preparing us for when He moved us to the Houston area nearly five years ago. Thank you all for your true friendship.