I feel like I have so much to share right now. I was actually in bed trying to sleep, but just had to get up and blog. Hopefully after getting my thoughts out I will go right to sleep.
Monday the boys got their cowboy hats placed in time out for the whole day. Jackson also had to put his stick horse in time as well. The boys are very into playing cowboy and roping up horses--it is really cute to watch their imaginations take off. The boys were upset when they watched me place these toys in time out (the fireplace mantle). As the day went on they still had thinks to play with and everything was fine to them. In our relationship with the Lord we are walking along and all is fine. We have salvation and know God is for us not against us. But what if we started obeying His word and serving Him. We would receive blesses (the cowboy hat and stick horse). We are missing out on God's blesses for our lives because we settle for fine. I pray that fine will not be ok for me and that I will obey and service God and receive His blesses. That is a huge pray that will take my life to achieve.
A friend and I took the kids to a jump place (they have inflatables) this morning to well jump. All went well until it was time to leave. Jackson had decided that he was not going to wear his flip flops, which was fine with me. As we reached the door Jackson sits down in the doorway and decides he wants to wear his shoes. That was a very good choice, because there was bird poop all over the sidewalk. As I am waiting for Jackson to put his shoes on I handed the keys for the van to my friend and ask her to start the air and get the other kiddos belted up. At that moment Jackson starts to cry and says "I'm not leaving till they come back (the other kiddos)." I said they are not coming back they are getting the van cooled off for you. Still he is not moving. By now we have been setting in the doorway for sometime and the owner asked if I would close the door. Thurs I pick Jackson up kicking and screaming and put him in the van. And then I have to physically force him into his car seat and buckle him up. A very upsetting moment that I had to take deep breaths to make it through and having my friend with me helps. Here is where I see God in the situation. God is the parent that picks up the kicking and screaming child (me). Jackson felt like he got left behind and so he was upset and had a tatram. I feel like the world keeps right on going unaware of our deep and painful loss of Jamie. I am stuck and can't move on, but God knows what is best thus He has picked me up kicking and screaming and placed me back into the world. Some things have been ok, but everyday is hard. Going to the library, the jump place , girls night out (ladies that was nice we need to do that more often), church, HEB all these placing and the conversations I have there remind me of Jamie. I don't want to forget her, but the pain is still very fresh that it would be nice to go do something and not be reminded. One more thing whenever one of the boys starts throwing a fit. I always tell them when you are done I will be here and we can talk and hug. That is just how our heavenly father is for us. After I stop screaming and throwing my little pity party. God is there to hold me and talk through all that is going on.
On another note. I have been sharing daily things that go on in our family and relating them to our relationship with God. They are not profound or even right. I type only what God lays on my heart. I am having trouble reading the Bible and praying to God right now. And I think that is ok for now. So I am very thankful that God is speaking to me through the boys and daily situations of our lives. I know all the church answers--I grew up southern baptist. But now God as shown me through my life situations these biblical truths in a whole new light. I pray they can give you a different perspective on life as well.